Glass

When your hurt, you can never tell how hurt you are.. they say; what you do not know won't hurt you,  I doubted... some would even just say whatever they would like to without knowing the degree of such words, it's not even out of hate but because we are only as fragile as glass and as weak as strong as we are.

Busy Getting Stronger

there's MORE to life than how I feel...

Breakeven

      I never thought of having so much pain out of giving so much joy. Weird, but for a flash of seconds I never had grudges out of hate but out of love. I could have written much intellectual entity than these absurd things inside my head. Ironically we license blame to others in receipt for afflictions but what we are missing, is the idea of getting ourselves in that kind of a situation in the first place, and if things goes inaccurately out of course, we run too fast and too soon before we realize that we’ve took a long way giving up our comfort zones the moment we let other people take hold of our own happiness.

Time can’t heal all wounds, reconciliation will.  Time will only give all sorts of space for not remembering the pain than letting go of the pain itself. Its 2 am and I can't find my own peace; what am I supposed to say when I’m all choke up and you’re okay, no wise words can stop the bleeding and some people have pondered to pray to a God that they don’t believe in because when a Heart breaks no they don't break even. 

Tinted Heart

So what’s up for this blog? Here we go again with another random thought. It can be better, it can be lame but I hope it won’t be worst.  So my day started fine, nothing much special or sweeping. Life can be so boring at times but we should not escape its monotonous tone, but so much of its annoying presence we find fleeting eases through sham laughter’s, it’s either I side-splittingly laugh, out of too much happiness, or lunacy is the only way of escaping too much pain. Choosing what you want in life is like choosing what you like to wear, you need to decide the degree of comfort from the degree of bizarre you would like to blend but some people prefer a lot of sophistication with their lifestyle and by doing so they forgot who they really are. You wear stilettos and hurt your own sole. 

Couple of days before, the sweet mist of morning did not wake me up in my bed instead, the throbbing of my heart, I had a few short breaths to take before I could breathe again, I struggled a cramping pain and so my distressing whining woke my mom beside me and we rush into the hospital. Though I myself is not convince of what I felt, the stunted cramping of my heart remains obscure for the last 6 months perhaps because I tried to veil every pain, as long as I can pretend that I don’t feel something inside and the whole thing flooded into my mind as I lay into that hospital bed with my mom and sister beside me, trying to ignore my agony, I kept flashing a smile to lessen their worries yet at the back of my head it felt like I am being fenced by a thief and I may not see them again by my heart’s next assault. Two  nurses and a couple of doctors were asking me things and they started to unbutton my shirt and started setting the ECG machine tubes, by that time I feel numb, my ears burning but my palms and soles cold. Then I began to recall memories of which I no longer remember not until that moment and people I’ve loved and learned to love were in motion pictures like slideshows in my mind.  It’s been so long since I cared for the woman I can see in front of the mirror, it’s been a while since I taught myself to be happy without waiting other people to help me so, and it’s been so long that I have been giving a lot of myself until nothing was left to me but the word’s left unsaid. Fatality comes in different forms and like bread we all have our own expiry date. 

Break the Rules

I’m pretty close to ponder how I am supposed to figure the things that bother me.  Lies are in frequencies when people never get tired of saying the six words “everything is going to be okay.”  Medieval has passed, modern days were as fast as seconds and now we are in realm of people not looking for mail boxes but Wi-Fi-zones. Social networking sites were as contagious as smiles.

 People have found reality in front of their LCD’s and touch-screen devices in alpha-state rather than spending some time with the family in board games. I even found my own solitary in blogging which is ironically a contradictory to the idea of blogging itself.  Well, being a nocturnal person, blogging gave me a bit of reason to justify my never ending insomnia; what a hitch!  Blogging is like talking to my self while remaining in my sanity.  Sometimes when I couldn’t find the right words to say, I had excess random words to write and express what I have in my own wit and humor and nobody is entitled to take that away from me, as we are cursed to be at liberty.  Our mind is our fastest vehicle to everything that we would like to see and think and granted with such grace, I would like to think of people who have been a part of my life for the 20 years of my existence.  

 You can never ever tell what was laid for you, not until you've decided to let go of your grudges and heartaches. Having the best rule, which is simply not to have one.  

Castles in the Air

(Dedicated to someone)

I don’t know where to start, if saying what I feel is something that would make you realize I’m weak.  If God created Eve to strengthen Adam then that would rather give me a hint that I was created to overhaul your worries and anxieties despite the idea that I too, have my own set of uncertainties and queries.  Sometimes we try to sew our life using the thread of others and that’s where tangle pops out when we are supposed to drive our own set of wheels in the race of life.  Life as it is, is too much for a weak person and tougher for the strong ones.  You can’t choose most of the things and human as we are, we often select what we think are best for us. We always follow what we believe because we create our own set of rules based on the principles and guidelines we have. It’s logical to think that all people can label bad from good but the circumstances don’t agree with it. I myself was once caught in a scenario where answers are all laid in front of me but I pretended sightless because I gave into my senses. Feelings are always good if you say so. I used to sew my life with people I love and now when everyone else creates their own gear, I was left fixing mine because it doesn’t fit with theirs. So the best thing to do is to plan for your own dreams because FYI God did not tell you to dream for others, in fact, having a dream or setting a goal is something that was infinitely given to us. God didn’t give us any standards for building castles in the air,

 so dream big and reach for it.

I was only 13 when I felt something that I still feel now after six years and I thank God for the countenance. You were one boy before that I loved and one man now that I still do.  You’ve been far and out of my sight but never out in my heart. I respected every teardrop that distance between us triggered. Though you may feel some point of setbacks from me because of what you have chosen I still have no doubts of how much heartbeat I have laid for you. You chose to conquer this world across the seas and I am no woman to deter such course from a man like you who wishes to live a life like yours. I guess I can no longer change what was laid for you but I can still alter what lies for me not because you are no longer part of my blueprints but because I needed to reassemble my own dose of life. I know that something else is waiting for me than mulling on my sentiments. Things have been complicated as algebra and I can’t find the x and y of our problem.  Thinking of you, I do it every day. Missing you is the heartache that never goes away.

Nostalgic

Five…four…three...Two...One. 

      Counting backwards before the last yet grueling days of my college day’s launched.  I wanted to peek to that moment of myself marching in front of a crowd in their academic dresses. At some point I wanted to left the place I first cried but before I do so, I long  to apologize to people I’ve  stung with my words. In the back of my head I knew whom to tell so in shipshape manner. 

      Hankering for peace of mind, I’m still so far from what I thought would be so easy especially when you have that name of a person you wanted to bump into once again and fixed the leakages. We meet a lot of people, we invest emotions and sometimes it felt like forever then one day you’d wake up and find the joy of missing someone you knew you’ve never regretted being one piece of puzzle in your life because you believe that it had helped both of you become who you were right now even if you ended up apart and they are only as close as the memories you can still remember.. Meeting these people once again is never a wish nor a hope rather a prayer that the good memories will conquer the awful ones. College days are soon to end, memories are pouring out like rain and you can have the entire answer key to all the questions you had before when you wrote your name into that application form. 

College gave me a blast to all sorts of nostalgia. I gave in to every bit of bid in front of me, I stumble to people who once convinced me that vices are part of growing up and looked at a different person in the mirror until I realized I was running too fast and became the person I wasn’t suppose to be. Getting drunk was jovial but short-lived. Smoking loosens up but perilous.

      Lightning don’t strike the same place twice. I may have gotten my ass lost on track but now I hold a lifetime to get back to it. Regret is never an issue because happiness was never an option but a choice. People broke up (get wrecked) so they can grow up. 

Jetlagged

      It’s early as 3am and the knock of rush is drumming in my mind. Arriving at Manila 25 minutes past the hour of seven and everything changed. I merely comb and fixed my hair. My eyes wandered as I look at people I know I will never see after that moment. I grabbed my stuff still feeling a little bit sleepy and then I thought to myself how easy it is to be in a place where you don’t even care about the way you look and be like anybody or nobody and as I again take my walks on the capital of the Philippines I saw people from all walks of life, and life as it is some lived as perfect as a circle and others are as crooked as a kindergarten’s doodle. I knew that moment that mine is still finding a trace to a certain point. I’m missing someone what this place had since June 18, 2011. It’s been 5 months of faded sunsets and sunrise.  Anxieties started crawling, my heart could skip a beat when I saw a side view of his whole structure and it blew me off to the land of laughter and yes, he was there in front of me I felt a burn to my long cold heart and remembered a line from a movie “I already had what everyone is searching for and few ever find. The one person in the world who I was born to love forever. “  It felt to me like my heart is in a jet-lagged. 

Embittered

   

    Bitter people, they are everywhere in fact they can be anyone on your doorstep  they seduce you with their false lexis, and if you fall into their trap you became as well, as cynical like them,  you owe them sometimes by giving  you a little bit of hell that will make you grasp  for heaven a little more stirred . Excellent prejudice, cleverly distracting your able mind resort to disgust and extreme dislike the things that are most likely allied to them. Then here you are, having a day of strain because all you ever want to do is to please these malign walking stone which are only convenient unless thrown to hurt other people. 

     They come from any form of envious friend, struggling teacher with a lot of hang up’s that most likely to look at you as his contender than a student in need of knowledge. I used to think bitterness is what I see from people clinking their martini's and tequilas, far-reaching women intoxicated with beers and spirits, but I was laid-back to realize that these smashed souls may be preys by these real bitter people. Everything comes in pairs and if a lot of people get drunk out of happiness, take a look... Observe... because  hundred folds are inebriated out of the bitterness of other people.

Twenty

After an hour, I’ll no longer have the right in the teenage margin. In my 20 years of existence in this world of bewilderment, I had my share of up’s and downs that made me who exactly I am now... I have learn a lot... and a lot comes from a bunch of gaffe... confound by the struggles of life, mix up happiness, unprepared juvenile love, familial lapses, blunder decisions, misjudge actions perhaps, I am so human and such vulnerable to any kind of possibilities and probabilities. Life is a gift to be segmented with drama, comedy, tragedy and melancholy. You can never have a good film without twist and thrilling revelations otherwise my life would be boring now if I was a totally free from any kind of problems. Problems are every man’s turning point and it used to be anyone’s foe but unconsciously its rather a mirror of you. Growing up, I have no trouble coping with the world as it is aside from a family stuffed with tedious riddle. Everyday is a mystery. We can never avoid our fate but we could always work for our destiny in such a way that we have a clear view of our horizon.  We often fall because of our flaws and sometimes I do realized that what matters most is not number of times we have fallen but the struggle we make to overcome our fears and drawbacks.. It's 30 minutes before the first (ticktacktoe ) of my young adulthood.. Counting my blessings and being contented with just a little bit is to be as rich as kings.. 

GREY

Okay so the world’s getting busier each day and I too have my share of explorations.

    It's been 6 months since I last set my eyes inside a disco bar.  I could still remember the smell of the place, how people moved, how  the DJ  kept the house on fire, in fact I can see people sweat their selves out to almost no sense of tomorrow  till they passed out. As if the world's is at it's end of how the late poets described in their literary works their views about life. 

I've been studying literature as minor subject, my favorite as of the moment  and I was partly into it, given the chance of having a great teacher but a very unlikely time for me to learn most of it and the rest of my subjects. I've been going to school, counting my last seven months on foot in our university. I was totally happy setting myself as nobody during the last 3 years of my college life. Although I paid lesser attention in any extra curricular activities believing that's there’s a lot more important out there for me to explore than hearing people's applause from a job well done, pleasing other people wasn't really my sort of thing and as I continue to search for my life's purpose, family problems started flooding in. 

 Though in denial,  I've been able to puzzle out the jittery picture out of my head of how my family was, nevertheless thankful that I could say, I had the best mom, the best sister the best brother but the least father. I love everything about life including failure but growing up in a failing family in reality is hard. I keep telling myself that this must be a good life... whenever I'm stuck in a night of bewilderment on how to focus myself in a setting living with a person I never wish I did (my dad) though most my reasons is not necessary to be typed, I wish I could so I could let all sort of feelings I feel right now simmer.. I write the way I think and obviously it's quite broken into pieces. I had bunch of stuffs at the back of my head waiting to be blown away. 


Being in school, learning from the book didn't really helped me learn how to survive a morning filled with familial problems. I figured it all out alone. Listening to my teachers’ lectures doesn't seem to move me at all, as I thought of them, teaching just to live not live to teach not all of them but most of them I believe. Life has been great and between black and white there's always a shade of grey (gray); my favorite color. A moment to realize that at every battle we take we are entitled to set our legs down to ground and kneel down in prayer. It’s not about winning or losing it's about living. 

As Shakespeare wrote; All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players;

They have their exits and their entrances,

EAT. PRAY. LOVE.

I don’t know how long of this throbbing will stretch; somehow I still manage to arm my self with a few stress mechanism substances that will work for me for the next 12 months of my life, I doubt. A year that you're out of reach.

 I often think to be the god myself just to hinder all sentimental feelings that keeps crawling on my veins and roughly  I pray to love you without losing myself anymore…

EAT. PRAY. LOVE

 

Just Breathe!

  It's been a while since I last checked my out-of-the-blue made blog,  Call it a crap if you want, I won't even dare hating you nor beg you to change your mind. really, I don't mind. soothe yourself! I am not a grammar nerd so hang with it.

          .....anyway, too much for that!  I finally got over with the big deal of dragging myself out of the the bed since you left ( you know who you are ;) it makes me sick sometimes to hear from you,.. that just the sound of my voice each time i called you, gave you a of little sun rays from a thick storm..

           

             I am quite honored..(always been)

           though contrary to what I feel, every part of it scars my heart centimeter by centimeter.

          A memory of you numbs my whole being, makes me weak at some point, then I look over me ,

just to remind myself that even if we are miles apart, we will always be under the same one sky.

      A quick passing relief! yeah! exactly!,

and just like the sky, I will never be able to touch you no matter how hard I try to close my eyes with my fingers crossed.

                                                                                                       
                                                            Now that's a belief!

      but just like the sky too, I keep holding on because where ever I go, I know you will always be there around me in my memory and in my heart. I wouldn't skip a beat.  As one friend shared me a quote that goes; "In the crossroads where split, it saddens me that we may never meet again.." sad but true, I wonder why true often becomes a sad word.?  what more could life give me? how worst could it get?  how much pain will I need to endure before i could breath again.. or this very thing makes me live life and it makes me human, less of you and more in pain..I would always ask to have me born with an infra-red Nikko seeking vision.. I hope seeing your existence..till we meet again. Bon Voyage!

200 hours of summer

     The balmy days of summer are almost over and none of my summer thoughts were even justified. Still lucky about the idea of spending the last 200 hundred hours of my sun kissed times with my on-the-job training, although most of my task involved a totally mundane experience, I am happy to gain new old friends running for a lifetime category. travelled to Bacolod overnight,  tasted the bitter sweet of life.

   For the past 3 months of my life, I was totally away from heartaches and I  kept thanking  God for setting me free from the things I wasn’t suppose to spoil my time with. I was away from vices, wrong people and I garnered more time of nourishing my inner being.  Life is truly a gift. I made a lot of mistakes, mistakes of which made me regret to choose things for my own happiness without even realizing that some of my choices of happiness may hinder another’s' happiness in which makes it invalid because you can't be happy unless you see your parents, your true friends happy for your choices. I love life, though failing is always a part of it. 

      I was a very troubled girl. I keep thinking of things  that are not really worth thinking.

“But some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default." Jk Rowling

 We often expect a world where good guys won, integrity was considered a virtue, and a good heart and a fine mind would take a woman far.  the rest of my summer were not even surrounded by waves and splash nor mango shakes and sun blocks instead with aroma of coffee stirred for my boss and his guest and routes of documents flooding the table.

  I took a break from anxieties, kept running from hate, from prejudice. And running was only fun when I chase my dreams without any sign of looking back from my dim past. I gave myself a chance to learn, to read some more and strengthen my faith through prayer.  I’ve realize how other people puzzled my mind and with just one snap you’re left alone at edge of a cliff.  There are memories of mine I’ve auctioned for amnesia disease or for lease or rather free... People I've wished I've never met.  No wonder I wasn’t running for any end of the world saver of the day because I’ll pick less than 20 lives you bet.

Long hours of rest are soon to be long hours of No REST... I’m finally apt for my last year of college and I want to run as fast as I could to see those priceless smiles from parents and older siblings. The people who truly mattered to me from the very beginning of my heart beat.  It’s been a while since the last time I felt my heart ached.  I yearn for my true friends, my older brother and his family and my family together. I pine for living life.  And tomorrow is another day to begin one.

At the end of the day,  all that matters to me, is  that I’ve caused no heartache to anyone, and I still got that rhythm of loving dancing.

IONS

    Sometimes the lessons that you learn in life comes from the people you least expect them from..  

    We all have our own set of injuries from people who sore our spirit of existence. Discrimination's, intimidation's, and all others IONS that crashes our dignity and sometimes pissed us to get lost on track..

     I remembered being ridiculed in my first dance audition which paved me the way to get my toes to make it through the center stage for rest of my secondary education. I think, these set of wounds are greatly attached in every string of humans' lives in order to create a twist , to blend all the flavors of life.. We may get a little bit of bitter from a panic-stricken teacher who gives us loads of deadlines, peaches and cream from an A rated hated subject.. A set of sour from a penniless pocket, pepper and salt from a long hours of work and group study that makes life a sure thing to be called a merit. Each day is a treasure box of gifts from above and just waiting to be opened. We should not be masters ourselves for this will immensely control our thoughts that would sometimes lead us to perish and lose direction of what is really the purpose of our existence; which is  always an adventure to explore, like a child who doesn't know how to lie, who prays like saint and love like heaven. 

     WE may find life unfair by the things we thought are important; fame, money, properties and status.  As summer, my favorite season ends, friends don't always have to get along, there's so much more inside people we don't see and everyone looks for love and in every problem there is a SURE

solutION!            

Pauvres

     If you are living in Asia, particularly in India, Japan, and Taiwan, you are in the midst of people of different religions and status with long history and wealth traditions. If you are living in Israel or Jordan, you are mixing with other Christians, mostly Catholic and orthodox, and Jews and Muslims.

      I say, if you are in the Philippines, you are a part majority of people who suffers from distress. I did research not for the cause of anything but nevertheless for the grounds of my concerns.

     On the fateful mornings of life, the tramp of two less fortunate people seize my thought for almost 13 years. these two penniless beggars; a mother and son were time and again been wandering in the bounds of our Jaro plaza like nomads, they were at times fed by kind sidewalk vendors who is also suffering from scarcity of basic needs. It’s ironic to think that no one from the government and NGO’s have had noticed them. 

     Maybe they were just one evident to the ignorance of the tightfisted local leaders who had excess wealth and may have been pretending sightless. This maybe just, one form of unfreedom such as malnutrition, little access to health care, sanitary arrangements, clean water and the lack of education for the futures of our motherland.  The situation of these two beggars is only a tiny portion on the alarming expansion of poverty. Blame does not suggest in this blog but a truth that  could blind off others and be fully present to the context were are; entering into a dialogue with others with an attitude of openness to prompt them to be servant-leaders themselves. There are more than half of the marginalized people which stories are yet to be told. Poverty does not only come from the scarcity of a house but a home. It is one dilemma that needs to be given awareness for the lungs of entire motherland does not evolve to well-off people but for all the rest of the population regardless of status.

Roar!

Some people especially young children are extremely sensitive and impressionable with regard to animals. They have a natural affinity for them and a curiosity which should be carefully nurtured. With the right guidance an encouragement by parents and teachers, a child can learn to appreciate and understand animals, to treat them with compassion and to respect their rights.

       In a purely utilitarian sense, animals can provide valuable learning experiences that will help a child mature into a more responsible and caring adult.  In other words, teaching kindness toward animals can indirectly benefit our society because humane attitudes affect our relationship with both animals and people. The question of animal rights has been ignore in our culture for too long, unlike to most western countries where the welfare of animals is being safeguard accordingly. We owe it to them, as we do to our young and incoming generations, to foster concern for the rights of animals; to put an end to the thoughtless abuses, exploitations and insensitivity towards our animals’ kin that are so widespread today. I think animals have been more or less taken for granted, but since they cannot speak for themselves, we as their masters and guardians must speak for them, we as the most powerful creation on earth, have a moral obligation. Like us they are purposely created by God thus they too, are entitled for the rights we humans have.  Wild or tranquil they are all basically to our own

                                   

                                       ROAR!

       REACH OUT. ACT. RESPOND.

      I Feel bad and mad for people who recklessly treat animals, WE have an obligation but often a lot of people are ignorant about the fact that animals can suffer; "I often wondered what they learned about animals when they were young."

     There are many rights that our animal kin should be accorded. These include:

1. the right to life;
2. to humane treatment;
3. to freedom;
4. And responsible care.

     Yet these are often ignored by people. In fact, a lot of illegal animal selling is truly rampant for many people think that animals are just like machines and that their actions when they are injured are simply automatic reflexes; when you burn your finger, you pull your hand away. That is an automatic reflex action. So why do some people think that animals are unfeeling as machines? As Cardinal John Henry Newman said; “Cruelty to animals is as if man did not love God."  Let us ROAR and make children think, feel, and see with greater intensity and clarity.  Just where we fit in relation to the rest of the animal kingdom.

YOU DON'T LIKE TO BE HURT, NEITHER DO I.  It’s logical to think and to expect that these animals don't like to suffer either.  How do we know that? Because we are the most powerful animal thus we are considered human and above. So let us be a friend for them...

FOR ANIMALS HAVE RIGHTS, TOO!

=)