Tinted Heart

So what’s up for this blog? Here we go again with another random thought. It can be better, it can be lame but I hope it won’t be worst.  So my day started fine, nothing much special or sweeping. Life can be so boring at times but we should not escape its monotonous tone, but so much of its annoying presence we find fleeting eases through sham laughter’s, it’s either I side-splittingly laugh, out of too much happiness, or lunacy is the only way of escaping too much pain. Choosing what you want in life is like choosing what you like to wear, you need to decide the degree of comfort from the degree of bizarre you would like to blend but some people prefer a lot of sophistication with their lifestyle and by doing so they forgot who they really are. You wear stilettos and hurt your own sole. 

Couple of days before, the sweet mist of morning did not wake me up in my bed instead, the throbbing of my heart, I had a few short breaths to take before I could breathe again, I struggled a cramping pain and so my distressing whining woke my mom beside me and we rush into the hospital. Though I myself is not convince of what I felt, the stunted cramping of my heart remains obscure for the last 6 months perhaps because I tried to veil every pain, as long as I can pretend that I don’t feel something inside and the whole thing flooded into my mind as I lay into that hospital bed with my mom and sister beside me, trying to ignore my agony, I kept flashing a smile to lessen their worries yet at the back of my head it felt like I am being fenced by a thief and I may not see them again by my heart’s next assault. Two  nurses and a couple of doctors were asking me things and they started to unbutton my shirt and started setting the ECG machine tubes, by that time I feel numb, my ears burning but my palms and soles cold. Then I began to recall memories of which I no longer remember not until that moment and people I’ve loved and learned to love were in motion pictures like slideshows in my mind.  It’s been so long since I cared for the woman I can see in front of the mirror, it’s been a while since I taught myself to be happy without waiting other people to help me so, and it’s been so long that I have been giving a lot of myself until nothing was left to me but the word’s left unsaid. Fatality comes in different forms and like bread we all have our own expiry date. 

Break the Rules

I’m pretty close to ponder how I am supposed to figure the things that bother me.  Lies are in frequencies when people never get tired of saying the six words “everything is going to be okay.”  Medieval has passed, modern days were as fast as seconds and now we are in realm of people not looking for mail boxes but Wi-Fi-zones. Social networking sites were as contagious as smiles.

 People have found reality in front of their LCD’s and touch-screen devices in alpha-state rather than spending some time with the family in board games. I even found my own solitary in blogging which is ironically a contradictory to the idea of blogging itself.  Well, being a nocturnal person, blogging gave me a bit of reason to justify my never ending insomnia; what a hitch!  Blogging is like talking to my self while remaining in my sanity.  Sometimes when I couldn’t find the right words to say, I had excess random words to write and express what I have in my own wit and humor and nobody is entitled to take that away from me, as we are cursed to be at liberty.  Our mind is our fastest vehicle to everything that we would like to see and think and granted with such grace, I would like to think of people who have been a part of my life for the 20 years of my existence.  

 You can never ever tell what was laid for you, not until you've decided to let go of your grudges and heartaches. Having the best rule, which is simply not to have one.  

Castles in the Air

(Dedicated to someone)

I don’t know where to start, if saying what I feel is something that would make you realize I’m weak.  If God created Eve to strengthen Adam then that would rather give me a hint that I was created to overhaul your worries and anxieties despite the idea that I too, have my own set of uncertainties and queries.  Sometimes we try to sew our life using the thread of others and that’s where tangle pops out when we are supposed to drive our own set of wheels in the race of life.  Life as it is, is too much for a weak person and tougher for the strong ones.  You can’t choose most of the things and human as we are, we often select what we think are best for us. We always follow what we believe because we create our own set of rules based on the principles and guidelines we have. It’s logical to think that all people can label bad from good but the circumstances don’t agree with it. I myself was once caught in a scenario where answers are all laid in front of me but I pretended sightless because I gave into my senses. Feelings are always good if you say so. I used to sew my life with people I love and now when everyone else creates their own gear, I was left fixing mine because it doesn’t fit with theirs. So the best thing to do is to plan for your own dreams because FYI God did not tell you to dream for others, in fact, having a dream or setting a goal is something that was infinitely given to us. God didn’t give us any standards for building castles in the air,

 so dream big and reach for it.

I was only 13 when I felt something that I still feel now after six years and I thank God for the countenance. You were one boy before that I loved and one man now that I still do.  You’ve been far and out of my sight but never out in my heart. I respected every teardrop that distance between us triggered. Though you may feel some point of setbacks from me because of what you have chosen I still have no doubts of how much heartbeat I have laid for you. You chose to conquer this world across the seas and I am no woman to deter such course from a man like you who wishes to live a life like yours. I guess I can no longer change what was laid for you but I can still alter what lies for me not because you are no longer part of my blueprints but because I needed to reassemble my own dose of life. I know that something else is waiting for me than mulling on my sentiments. Things have been complicated as algebra and I can’t find the x and y of our problem.  Thinking of you, I do it every day. Missing you is the heartache that never goes away.

Nostalgic

Five…four…three...Two...One. 

      Counting backwards before the last yet grueling days of my college day’s launched.  I wanted to peek to that moment of myself marching in front of a crowd in their academic dresses. At some point I wanted to left the place I first cried but before I do so, I long  to apologize to people I’ve  stung with my words. In the back of my head I knew whom to tell so in shipshape manner. 

      Hankering for peace of mind, I’m still so far from what I thought would be so easy especially when you have that name of a person you wanted to bump into once again and fixed the leakages. We meet a lot of people, we invest emotions and sometimes it felt like forever then one day you’d wake up and find the joy of missing someone you knew you’ve never regretted being one piece of puzzle in your life because you believe that it had helped both of you become who you were right now even if you ended up apart and they are only as close as the memories you can still remember.. Meeting these people once again is never a wish nor a hope rather a prayer that the good memories will conquer the awful ones. College days are soon to end, memories are pouring out like rain and you can have the entire answer key to all the questions you had before when you wrote your name into that application form. 

College gave me a blast to all sorts of nostalgia. I gave in to every bit of bid in front of me, I stumble to people who once convinced me that vices are part of growing up and looked at a different person in the mirror until I realized I was running too fast and became the person I wasn’t suppose to be. Getting drunk was jovial but short-lived. Smoking loosens up but perilous.

      Lightning don’t strike the same place twice. I may have gotten my ass lost on track but now I hold a lifetime to get back to it. Regret is never an issue because happiness was never an option but a choice. People broke up (get wrecked) so they can grow up. 

Jetlagged

      It’s early as 3am and the knock of rush is drumming in my mind. Arriving at Manila 25 minutes past the hour of seven and everything changed. I merely comb and fixed my hair. My eyes wandered as I look at people I know I will never see after that moment. I grabbed my stuff still feeling a little bit sleepy and then I thought to myself how easy it is to be in a place where you don’t even care about the way you look and be like anybody or nobody and as I again take my walks on the capital of the Philippines I saw people from all walks of life, and life as it is some lived as perfect as a circle and others are as crooked as a kindergarten’s doodle. I knew that moment that mine is still finding a trace to a certain point. I’m missing someone what this place had since June 18, 2011. It’s been 5 months of faded sunsets and sunrise.  Anxieties started crawling, my heart could skip a beat when I saw a side view of his whole structure and it blew me off to the land of laughter and yes, he was there in front of me I felt a burn to my long cold heart and remembered a line from a movie “I already had what everyone is searching for and few ever find. The one person in the world who I was born to love forever. “  It felt to me like my heart is in a jet-lagged. 

Embittered

   

    Bitter people, they are everywhere in fact they can be anyone on your doorstep  they seduce you with their false lexis, and if you fall into their trap you became as well, as cynical like them,  you owe them sometimes by giving  you a little bit of hell that will make you grasp  for heaven a little more stirred . Excellent prejudice, cleverly distracting your able mind resort to disgust and extreme dislike the things that are most likely allied to them. Then here you are, having a day of strain because all you ever want to do is to please these malign walking stone which are only convenient unless thrown to hurt other people. 

     They come from any form of envious friend, struggling teacher with a lot of hang up’s that most likely to look at you as his contender than a student in need of knowledge. I used to think bitterness is what I see from people clinking their martini's and tequilas, far-reaching women intoxicated with beers and spirits, but I was laid-back to realize that these smashed souls may be preys by these real bitter people. Everything comes in pairs and if a lot of people get drunk out of happiness, take a look... Observe... because  hundred folds are inebriated out of the bitterness of other people.

Twenty

After an hour, I’ll no longer have the right in the teenage margin. In my 20 years of existence in this world of bewilderment, I had my share of up’s and downs that made me who exactly I am now... I have learn a lot... and a lot comes from a bunch of gaffe... confound by the struggles of life, mix up happiness, unprepared juvenile love, familial lapses, blunder decisions, misjudge actions perhaps, I am so human and such vulnerable to any kind of possibilities and probabilities. Life is a gift to be segmented with drama, comedy, tragedy and melancholy. You can never have a good film without twist and thrilling revelations otherwise my life would be boring now if I was a totally free from any kind of problems. Problems are every man’s turning point and it used to be anyone’s foe but unconsciously its rather a mirror of you. Growing up, I have no trouble coping with the world as it is aside from a family stuffed with tedious riddle. Everyday is a mystery. We can never avoid our fate but we could always work for our destiny in such a way that we have a clear view of our horizon.  We often fall because of our flaws and sometimes I do realized that what matters most is not number of times we have fallen but the struggle we make to overcome our fears and drawbacks.. It's 30 minutes before the first (ticktacktoe ) of my young adulthood.. Counting my blessings and being contented with just a little bit is to be as rich as kings..