Jetlagged

      It’s early as 3am and the knock of rush is drumming in my mind. Arriving at Manila 25 minutes past the hour of seven and everything changed. I merely comb and fixed my hair. My eyes wandered as I look at people I know I will never see after that moment. I grabbed my stuff still feeling a little bit sleepy and then I thought to myself how easy it is to be in a place where you don’t even care about the way you look and be like anybody or nobody and as I again take my walks on the capital of the Philippines I saw people from all walks of life, and life as it is some lived as perfect as a circle and others are as crooked as a kindergarten’s doodle. I knew that moment that mine is still finding a trace to a certain point. I’m missing someone what this place had since June 18, 2011. It’s been 5 months of faded sunsets and sunrise.  Anxieties started crawling, my heart could skip a beat when I saw a side view of his whole structure and it blew me off to the land of laughter and yes, he was there in front of me I felt a burn to my long cold heart and remembered a line from a movie “I already had what everyone is searching for and few ever find. The one person in the world who I was born to love forever. “  It felt to me like my heart is in a jet-lagged. 

Embittered

   

    Bitter people, they are everywhere in fact they can be anyone on your doorstep  they seduce you with their false lexis, and if you fall into their trap you became as well, as cynical like them,  you owe them sometimes by giving  you a little bit of hell that will make you grasp  for heaven a little more stirred . Excellent prejudice, cleverly distracting your able mind resort to disgust and extreme dislike the things that are most likely allied to them. Then here you are, having a day of strain because all you ever want to do is to please these malign walking stone which are only convenient unless thrown to hurt other people. 

     They come from any form of envious friend, struggling teacher with a lot of hang up’s that most likely to look at you as his contender than a student in need of knowledge. I used to think bitterness is what I see from people clinking their martini's and tequilas, far-reaching women intoxicated with beers and spirits, but I was laid-back to realize that these smashed souls may be preys by these real bitter people. Everything comes in pairs and if a lot of people get drunk out of happiness, take a look... Observe... because  hundred folds are inebriated out of the bitterness of other people.

Twenty

After an hour, I’ll no longer have the right in the teenage margin. In my 20 years of existence in this world of bewilderment, I had my share of up’s and downs that made me who exactly I am now... I have learn a lot... and a lot comes from a bunch of gaffe... confound by the struggles of life, mix up happiness, unprepared juvenile love, familial lapses, blunder decisions, misjudge actions perhaps, I am so human and such vulnerable to any kind of possibilities and probabilities. Life is a gift to be segmented with drama, comedy, tragedy and melancholy. You can never have a good film without twist and thrilling revelations otherwise my life would be boring now if I was a totally free from any kind of problems. Problems are every man’s turning point and it used to be anyone’s foe but unconsciously its rather a mirror of you. Growing up, I have no trouble coping with the world as it is aside from a family stuffed with tedious riddle. Everyday is a mystery. We can never avoid our fate but we could always work for our destiny in such a way that we have a clear view of our horizon.  We often fall because of our flaws and sometimes I do realized that what matters most is not number of times we have fallen but the struggle we make to overcome our fears and drawbacks.. It's 30 minutes before the first (ticktacktoe ) of my young adulthood.. Counting my blessings and being contented with just a little bit is to be as rich as kings.. 

GREY

Okay so the world’s getting busier each day and I too have my share of explorations.

    It's been 6 months since I last set my eyes inside a disco bar.  I could still remember the smell of the place, how people moved, how  the DJ  kept the house on fire, in fact I can see people sweat their selves out to almost no sense of tomorrow  till they passed out. As if the world's is at it's end of how the late poets described in their literary works their views about life. 

I've been studying literature as minor subject, my favorite as of the moment  and I was partly into it, given the chance of having a great teacher but a very unlikely time for me to learn most of it and the rest of my subjects. I've been going to school, counting my last seven months on foot in our university. I was totally happy setting myself as nobody during the last 3 years of my college life. Although I paid lesser attention in any extra curricular activities believing that's there’s a lot more important out there for me to explore than hearing people's applause from a job well done, pleasing other people wasn't really my sort of thing and as I continue to search for my life's purpose, family problems started flooding in. 

 Though in denial,  I've been able to puzzle out the jittery picture out of my head of how my family was, nevertheless thankful that I could say, I had the best mom, the best sister the best brother but the least father. I love everything about life including failure but growing up in a failing family in reality is hard. I keep telling myself that this must be a good life... whenever I'm stuck in a night of bewilderment on how to focus myself in a setting living with a person I never wish I did (my dad) though most my reasons is not necessary to be typed, I wish I could so I could let all sort of feelings I feel right now simmer.. I write the way I think and obviously it's quite broken into pieces. I had bunch of stuffs at the back of my head waiting to be blown away. 


Being in school, learning from the book didn't really helped me learn how to survive a morning filled with familial problems. I figured it all out alone. Listening to my teachers’ lectures doesn't seem to move me at all, as I thought of them, teaching just to live not live to teach not all of them but most of them I believe. Life has been great and between black and white there's always a shade of grey (gray); my favorite color. A moment to realize that at every battle we take we are entitled to set our legs down to ground and kneel down in prayer. It’s not about winning or losing it's about living. 

As Shakespeare wrote; All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players;

They have their exits and their entrances,

EAT. PRAY. LOVE.

I don’t know how long of this throbbing will stretch; somehow I still manage to arm my self with a few stress mechanism substances that will work for me for the next 12 months of my life, I doubt. A year that you're out of reach.

 I often think to be the god myself just to hinder all sentimental feelings that keeps crawling on my veins and roughly  I pray to love you without losing myself anymore…

EAT. PRAY. LOVE

 

Just Breathe!

  It's been a while since I last checked my out-of-the-blue made blog,  Call it a crap if you want, I won't even dare hating you nor beg you to change your mind. really, I don't mind. soothe yourself! I am not a grammar nerd so hang with it.

          .....anyway, too much for that!  I finally got over with the big deal of dragging myself out of the the bed since you left ( you know who you are ;) it makes me sick sometimes to hear from you,.. that just the sound of my voice each time i called you, gave you a of little sun rays from a thick storm..

           

             I am quite honored..(always been)

           though contrary to what I feel, every part of it scars my heart centimeter by centimeter.

          A memory of you numbs my whole being, makes me weak at some point, then I look over me ,

just to remind myself that even if we are miles apart, we will always be under the same one sky.

      A quick passing relief! yeah! exactly!,

and just like the sky, I will never be able to touch you no matter how hard I try to close my eyes with my fingers crossed.

                                                                                                       
                                                            Now that's a belief!

      but just like the sky too, I keep holding on because where ever I go, I know you will always be there around me in my memory and in my heart. I wouldn't skip a beat.  As one friend shared me a quote that goes; "In the crossroads where split, it saddens me that we may never meet again.." sad but true, I wonder why true often becomes a sad word.?  what more could life give me? how worst could it get?  how much pain will I need to endure before i could breath again.. or this very thing makes me live life and it makes me human, less of you and more in pain..I would always ask to have me born with an infra-red Nikko seeking vision.. I hope seeing your existence..till we meet again. Bon Voyage!

200 hours of summer

     The balmy days of summer are almost over and none of my summer thoughts were even justified. Still lucky about the idea of spending the last 200 hundred hours of my sun kissed times with my on-the-job training, although most of my task involved a totally mundane experience, I am happy to gain new old friends running for a lifetime category. travelled to Bacolod overnight,  tasted the bitter sweet of life.

   For the past 3 months of my life, I was totally away from heartaches and I  kept thanking  God for setting me free from the things I wasn’t suppose to spoil my time with. I was away from vices, wrong people and I garnered more time of nourishing my inner being.  Life is truly a gift. I made a lot of mistakes, mistakes of which made me regret to choose things for my own happiness without even realizing that some of my choices of happiness may hinder another’s' happiness in which makes it invalid because you can't be happy unless you see your parents, your true friends happy for your choices. I love life, though failing is always a part of it. 

      I was a very troubled girl. I keep thinking of things  that are not really worth thinking.

“But some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default." Jk Rowling

 We often expect a world where good guys won, integrity was considered a virtue, and a good heart and a fine mind would take a woman far.  the rest of my summer were not even surrounded by waves and splash nor mango shakes and sun blocks instead with aroma of coffee stirred for my boss and his guest and routes of documents flooding the table.

  I took a break from anxieties, kept running from hate, from prejudice. And running was only fun when I chase my dreams without any sign of looking back from my dim past. I gave myself a chance to learn, to read some more and strengthen my faith through prayer.  I’ve realize how other people puzzled my mind and with just one snap you’re left alone at edge of a cliff.  There are memories of mine I’ve auctioned for amnesia disease or for lease or rather free... People I've wished I've never met.  No wonder I wasn’t running for any end of the world saver of the day because I’ll pick less than 20 lives you bet.

Long hours of rest are soon to be long hours of No REST... I’m finally apt for my last year of college and I want to run as fast as I could to see those priceless smiles from parents and older siblings. The people who truly mattered to me from the very beginning of my heart beat.  It’s been a while since the last time I felt my heart ached.  I yearn for my true friends, my older brother and his family and my family together. I pine for living life.  And tomorrow is another day to begin one.

At the end of the day,  all that matters to me, is  that I’ve caused no heartache to anyone, and I still got that rhythm of loving dancing.